February 13, 2009
February 11, 2009
February 6, 2009
No Thank You, We Don’t Believe in Socialization!
No Thank You, We Don’t Believe in Socialization!
©2000 Lisa Russell
Used with Permission
I can’t believe I am writing an article about socialization, The word
makes my skin crawl. As homeschoolers, we are often accosted by
people who assume that since we’re homeschooling, our kids won’t
be “socialized.” The word has become such a catch phrase that it has
entirely lost any meaning.
The first time I heard the word, I was attending a Catholic day
school as a first grader.
Having been a “reader” for almost 2 years, I found the phonics and
reading lessons to be incredibly boring. Luckily the girl behind me
felt the same way, and when we were done with our silly little
worksheets, we would chat back and forth. I’ve never known two 6 yr.
olds who could maintain a quiet conversation, so naturally a ruler-
carrying nun interrupted us with a few strong raps on our desk. We
were both asked to stay in at recess, and sit quietly in our desks
for the entire 25 minutes, because “We are not here to socialize,
young ladies.”
Those words were repeated over and over throughout my education, by
just about every teacher I’ve ever had. If we’re not there to
socialize, then why were we there? I learned to read at home. If I
finished my work early (which I always did,) could I have gone home?
If I were already familiar with the subject matter, would I have been
excused from class that day? If schools weren’t made for socializing,
then why on earth would anyone assume that homeschoolers were missing
out?
As a society full of people whose childhood’s were spent waiting
anxiously for recess time, and trying desperately to “socialize” with
the kids in class; It is often difficult for people to have an image
of a child whose social life is NOT based on school buddies. Do you
ever remember sitting in class, and wanting desperately to speak to
your friend? It’s kind of hard to concentrate on the lessons when
you’re bouncing around trying not to talk. Have you ever had a
teacher who rearranged the seats every now and then, to prevent
talking, splitting up friends and “talking corners.” Were you ever
caught passing notes in class?
Now- flash forward to “real life.” Imagine the following scenes:
Your Employer is auditing the Inter-Office Email system and comes
across a personal note between you and a coworker. You are required
to stand at the podium in the next sales meeting to read it aloud to
your coworkers. The Police knock on your door, and announce that
because you and your neighbor have gotten so close, they’re
separating you. You must move your home and your belongings to the
other side of town, and you may only meet at public places on
weekends.
You’re sitting at a booth waiting for a coworker to arrive for a
scheduled lunch date. Suddenly a member of upper management sits down
across from you and demands your credit cards. When your friend
arrives, you just order water and claim you’re not hungry, since he
stole your lunch money.
You’re applying for a job and in an unconventional hiring practice,
you are made to line up with other applicants, and wait patiently
while representatives from two competing companies take their pick
from the lineup.
You’re taking your parents out for an anniversary dinner. After you
find a table, a waiter tells you that seniors have a separate dining
room, lest they “corrupt” the younger members of society.
You go to the grocery store only to find that since you are 32 years
old you must shop at the store for 32 year olds. It’s 8 miles away
and they don’t sell meat because the manager is a vegetarian, but
your birthday is coming up and soon you’ll be able to shop at the
store for 33 yr. olds.
You’d like to learn about Aviation History. You go to the library and
check out a book on the subject only to be given a list of “other
subjects” that you must read about before you are permitted to check
out the aviation book.
You’re having a hard time finding what you need in the local
department store. The saleslady explains that each item is arranged
alphabetically in the store, so instead of having a section for
shoes, you will find the men’s shoes in between the maternity clothes
and the mirrors.
Your Cable Company announces that anyone wishing to watch the
Superbowl this year must log on a certain number of hours watching
the Discovery Channel before they can be permitted to watch the game.
You apply for a job only to be told that this job is for 29 year
olds. Since you’re 32, you’ll have to stay with your level.
In a group project, your boss decides to pair you up with the person
you don’t “click” with. His hope is that you’ll get learn to get
along with each other, regardless of how the project turns out.
These absurd examples were created to point out how absolutely
ridiculous the idea of “socializing” in schools is. Many people had a
friend who they stayed friends with all through grammar school- WHY?
Because their names were alphabetically similar, and they always
ended up in line with each other. As an adult, have you ever made
friends with someone simply because your names were similar? How long
would such a friendship last and how meaningful would it be,
providing you had nothing else in common?
People often use the bully as an example of why it’s so important to
let kids “socialize” at school. If that’s so important, then the
bully needs to go to JAIL after a few months, because self-respecting
society simply doesn’t put up with that, nor should my 6 yr. old.
Sure, there are crappy people in the world, but the world does a much
better job of taking care of these things. A bullying brat in the
first grade will still be a bullying brat in the 6th grade. He will
still be picking on the same kids year after year after year, unless
he moves to a new town. How long would the average adult put up with
a bully? Personally, as an adult, I have only come across one grown
up bully. I choose not to be around this miserable woman. So do many
other people. THAT is real life. If she were a coworker, I would find
a different job. If she worked at a business I patronized- not only
would I refrain from doing business with that company, I would write
a letter to the bully, her manager, the owner and the main office. A
kid in a classroom has no way to emotionally protect themselves
against such a person. I would never expect my kids to put up with
bad treatment from a bully in the name of “toughening them up.” For
what? So they can be submissive wimps when they grow up too? So they
can “ignore” their miserable bosses and abusive spouses? In real
life, if an employer discovered that an employee was harassing the
other staff members, that employee could be fired (pending the 90 day
evaluation) or relocated. In real life, if you are so dreadfully
harassed by a coworker you can seek legal recourse independently. In
a classroom, the teacher and other children are often powerless.
The idea of learning acceptable social skills in a school is as
absurd to me as learning nutrition from a grocery store.
As Homeschoolers, the world is our classroom. We interact with people
of all ages, sexes and backgrounds. We talk to and learn from
everyone who strikes our interest. We use good manners in our home
and I’m always pleased when others comment on the manners my children
have picked up. I believe good manners to be an important social
skill.
Respecting common areas is also of value to us. We often carry a
grocery bag with us on walks, in case we find trash that needs to be
discarded. When we’re waiting at a bus stop, if there is trash on the
ground, we make a point to carry it onto the bus and discard of it
properly. Once, while waiting at a bus stop- we saw a grown man drop
his popsicle wrapper on the ground. He was 2 feet from a trash can-
My daughter looked up at me with eyes as big as saucers. I told her
(out loud) “It must have blown out of his hand from that little wind,
because no-one would throw trash on the ground on purpose. I’m sure
when he’s done with his popsicle, he will pick it up and throw it
away correctly- otherwise, we can take care of it so we don’t have an
ugly world.” He did pick it up, rather sheepishly. I can’t imagine
expecting my children to have a respect for the cleanliness of common
areas in an environment where bathroom walls are covered in graffiti
and trees are scratched with symbols of “love” of all things.
Another social skill we strive to teach our children is that all
people are created equal. I can’t imagine doing that in an
environment where physically disadvantaged children are segregated
into a “special” classroom. Or even children who speak a different
language at home. They are segregated and forced to learn English,
while never acknowledging the unique culture they were raised in, and
not enabling the other students to learn FROM them. Learning, in
school, comes from the books and teachers. We will learn Spanish from
a BOOK, not from a Spanish-speaking student; and not until 7th grade.
I have never felt it would be beneficial to stick my 6-yr. old in a
room full of other 6-yr. olds. I believe God created a world full of
people of all ages and sexes to insure that the younger ones and
older ones learn from each other. A few years ago, we were living
thousands of miles from any older family members, so I brought my
kids (then 5 and 2) to an assisted living facility, so they could
interact with the elderly. Staff members told us that many of the
older people would wake up every day and ask if we would be visiting
soon. We always went on Wednesdays. My daughters learned some old
show tunes while one of the men played piano, and the others would
sing along. If I didn’t have to chase my 2-yr. old around, I would
have had plenty of women ready to share the art of crocheting with me
(something I’ve always wanted to learn.) If a friend was too sick to
come out of their room during our visit, we would often spend a few
minutes in their room. I always let them give the kids whatever
cookies they had baked for them, and I ended up cleaning a few of the
apartments while we visited, simply because I would have done the
same for my own Grandmother. Every room had pictures from my kids
posted on their refrigerators. We called this “Visiting the Grandmas
and Grandpas” and my daughters both (almost 2 years later) have fond
memories of our visits. I’m sure that if we were still visiting
there, my unborn child would have a thousand handmade blankets and
booties to keep him warm all winter.
I don’t remember any such experiences in my entire School life,
although I do remember being a bit afraid of old people if they were
too wrinkly or weak looking. I never really knew anyone over 60. I
never sped down the hall on someone’s wheelchair lap, squealing as we
popped wheelies and screeched around corners. I never got to hear
stories about what life was like before indoor plumbing and
electricity, from the point of view of a woman with Alzheimer’s, who
might believe she was still 5 years old, talking with my daughter as
if she were a friend. I never got to help a 90 yr. old woman keep her
arm steady while she painted a picture. And I never watched a room
full of “grandma’s” waiting for me by the window, because we were 15
minutes late.
On a recent visit to an Art Gallery, we noticed a man walking back
and forth, carrying framed artwork from his old pickup truck. I asked
my 6 yr. old if she thought he might be the artist. We both agreed
that was a possibility, and after a little pep-talk to overcome her
stage fright, she approached him and asked. He was the artist, and he
was bringing in his work to be evaluated by the curator. We all sat
down and he explained some of his techniques and listened to her
opinions about which piece she liked best. He told about how he
enjoyed art when he was 6 and would “sell” pictures to family and
friends. He recounted how he felt while creating a few of the pieces,
and how each one has special meaning to him. He even let her know how
nervous he was to show them to the curator and how he hoped she found
them as interesting as we did. As he was called into the office, a
group of thirty-four 3rd graders filed past, ever so quietly, while
their teacher explained each piece on the walls. The children were so
quiet and well behaved. They didn’t seem to mind moving on from one
picture to the next (The problem with homeschoolers is they tend to
linger on things they enjoy). They didn’t seem to have any questions
or comments (Maybe they’ll discuss that later in class). And they
never got a chance to meet the gentleman in the pickup truck.
I hope my kids aren’t missing out on any “socialization.”
The Bitter Homeschooler’s Wish List
The Bitter Homeschooler’s Wish List
From Secular Homeschooling Magazine, Issue #1
1 Please stop asking us if it’s legal. If it is – and it is – it’s
insulting to imply that we’re criminals. And if we were criminals,
would we admit it?
2 Learn what the words “socialize” and “socialization” mean, and use
the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do
now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun.
Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so
successfully and pleasantly. If you’re talking to me and my kids,
that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the
other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that
we’ve got a decent grasp of both concepts.
3 Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir
practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class,
4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever
gets to socialize.
4 Don’t assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for
the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you
know.
5 If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV,
either on the news or on a “reality” show, the above goes double.
6 Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you
know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by
homeschooling. You’re probably the same little bluebird of happiness
whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature
labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you’ve ever heard.
Please go away.
7 We don’t look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear
they’re in public school. Please stop drilling our children like
potential oil fields to see if we’re doing what you consider an
adequate job of homeschooling.
8 Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.
9 Stop assuming that if we’re religious, we must be homeschooling for
religious reasons.
10 We didn’t go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing
of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling
just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision,
tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of
our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your
own educational decisions.
11 Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my
credentials. I didn’t have to complete a course in catering to
successfully cook dinner for my family; I don’t need a degree in
teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in
the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call
public school left me with so little information in my memory banks
that I can’t teach the basics of an elementary education to my
nearest and dearest, maybe there’s a reason I’m so reluctant to send
my child to school.
12 If my kid’s only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can
possibly teach him what he’d learn in school, please understand that
you’re calling me an idiot. Don’t act shocked if I decide to respond
in kind.
13 Stop assuming that because the word “home” is right there
in “homeschool,” we never leave the house. We’re the ones who go to
the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and
in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends
and holidays when it’s crowded and icky.
14 Stop assuming that because the word “school” is right there in
homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every
day, just like your kid does. Even if we’re into the “school” side of
education – and many of us prefer a more organic approach – we can
burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we
don’t have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.
15 Stop asking, “But what about the Prom?” Even if the idea that my
kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-
priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go
to school don’t get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I’m one of
them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere
else.
16 Don’t ask my kid if she wouldn’t rather go to school unless you
don’t mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn’t rather stay home and get
some sleep now and then.
17 Stop saying, “Oh, I could never homeschool!” Even if you think
it’s some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you’re horrified.
One of these days, I won’t bother disagreeing with you any more.
18 If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class,
you’re allowed to ask how we’ll teach these subjects to our kids. If
you can’t, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn’t possibly do
a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.
19 Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child’s teacher as
well as her parent. I don’t see much difference between bossing my
kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about
everything else.
20 Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious,
quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or
loud because he’s homeschooled. It’s not fair that all the kids who
go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded
as representative of anything but childhood.
21 Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because
she’s homeschooled.
22 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I
homeschool my kids.
23 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I
homeschool my kids.
24 Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won’t
get because they don’t go to school, unless you want me to start
asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because
you went to school.
25 Here’s a thought: If you can’t say something nice about
homeschooling, shut up!
